Wednesday, July 20, 2011

The time I faked my own death

Bzzz Bzzz   *phone vibrates

Read text from brother: "Do you remember when you covered your arms in ketchup and faked dead?"


Yes, unfortunately, I do.


Once upon a time I was a "little" girl. (I'll put that word in quotes because I'm pretty sure that I was at least three feet tall right outta the womb.) I'm not quite sure how old I was when I did this, but my best guess would be somewhere between eight and ten.

My parents had left to go somewhere, else, away from us kiddies, and my older brother Michael was put in charge of watching us. It must have been one of the first times that he had, because I was determined to leave him shaken from the experience. I also must have had a pretty twisted mind as a child, because I thought it would be hilarious to make him think that I had been brutally murdered. (Sooo funny right?) Well, as it turns out, I am not very good at faking my own death.

I don't think I planned this in advance, I just remember him going to the bathroom, and me having a light bulb turn on at what I thought was going to be such a genius prank. As soon as the idea struck I ran to the kitchen and found some ketchup packets in the fridge. I then proceeded to empty said packets out onto my arms so that it would look like "blood". I only did this to my arms. Which you know, are mortal injuries typically. I simply wasn't dedicated enough to risk getting my clothes dirty and therefore getting in trouble when Mom got home.

Once I felt like I looked bloody enough, I contorted myself on the floor and tried to make my face look as dead as possible.

Here is a photograph from the scene of the crime:

Notice that my tongue is hanging out. Ten year olds think that's what happens when you die.

Imagine my poor brother's concern as he came out of the bathroom and saw his baby sister looking all bloody and beaten on the floor.

...Are you imagining it? Are you sure? Okay.

If you're imagining a blank stare followed by a slow "...why did you put ketchup all over yourself? And why are you on the floor?", then you imagined correctly. That was certainly nothing like the reaction that I was sure I would get. Turns out that brother of mine is not so easily fooled. He's going to make a great dad to some sneaky kids one day.

After laying there deflated for another minute or so, I begrudgingly got up off the floor and rinsed the ketchup off of my arms.

Moral of the story: Don't hire a ten year old to help you plan your April Fools day.


  1. BAHAHAHAHA i love you shelly!

  2. This is the funniest thing ever... I am so ashamed that I didn't think to best friend you all those years ago... dang it.

    Awesome post. That is EXACTLY what Michael would do. Such a funny visual...

  3. I would like to take this moment to share that one time, my friend and were babysitting her little sister and we may have staged her death. Then I told them that the murderer was still in the house, and my friend rushed in and chased the girls around. Twisted minds indeed. Good thing we grew up into such mature human beings!