Thursday, August 18, 2011

My secret airplane romance strategy

Have you ever been sitting on an airplane thinking to yourself, "There has got to be a better way for me to monopolize on being stuck next to someone for 2 hours!"? Well, do I have the solution for you! Here is my recipe for how to find love on an airplane.

Step 1: Fly Southwest

Again, they didn't pay me to say that, it's just practical. You see, when you fly Southwest, you get to choose your seat. If you fly another airline it's almost always assigned seating, and then you have to put your trust in the airplane gods to sit you by someone who doesn't smell like corn chips or have a disturbing indigestion issue.

Step 2: Get a boarding pass B31 or later.

This means that by the time you board the plane nearly every window or aisle seat is taken. Shh shh, stop your whining that you want to sleep, or don't want to be squished in the middle. I don't care. You are going to meet someone and you're going to like it.

Step 3: Pre-boarding Reconnaissance

You are going to be sitting by someone who has boarded before you, and they're all lined up on display for you, take advantage of this.

My scan usually doesn't take very long. Scan step one- over six foot. Scan step two- verify attractiveness. Scan step three- wedding ring check (this one almost always ruins things).

Part of me can't believe I'm admitting that I do that... but oh well, I do.

Step 4: Seat Selection

Okay, so you've done your reconnaissance and now you know who you want to sit by. By the time you are boarding the plane (as mentioned earlier) only the middle seats will be available. You'll wander through the plane until you see one of the people you picked out in the boarding line, and ever so nicely ask if you can squeeze in there. They'll recognize that there are simply no other seats left, so it's not like you're being overly forward.

Step 5: You're on your own

Well my young padawan, you have now been pushed out of the nest and are seated next to an eligible bachelor or bachelorette. Now you have to flip on your finest flirting, don't be scared, odds are you'll never see them again. Before I set you completely free, I should warn you about some possible scenarios that could ruin all of your hard work and planning.

Warning Scenario 1: They didn't have a wedding ring, but they are actually dating someone/engaged/gay. I have had all three of those things happen. No joke. The most important thing to remember here is that you can't stop talking to them now- act like you want to know all about their special someone, because otherwise they'll know you were just trying to hit on them and things just get awkward from there. For now they'll just think you're unusually nice.

Warning Scenario 2: You're doing this and you're Mormon, and flying into or out of Salt Lake. Try to let them know fairly quickly. If they're also Mormon they'll probably get excited. If they're not, it can be a game killer. They now know that you won't be drinking with them on the plane and they also probably know that you're going to try and convert them if they were to date you. Flirt to convert baby (haha).

Now that you have been briefed on potential dangers- fly free! (Like your bags will be, because you're flying Southwest! Ooo pun intended!)

Oh, and you may be wondering- "Hey Shelly, how are these romances working out for you?". Well... things haven't yet worked out quite yet. One of the two warning scenarios I mentioned have impeded things every time I have flown. But hey, it's all a numbers game right? One of these days I'll hit the jackpot. (Maybe during a layover in Vegas! Haaaa... I'm full of jokes today.)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Email Karma

I find an absurd level of enjoyment in pointing out email typos to my coworkers. I'm sure that they have a level of annoyance equal to that of my enjoyment. I am also a bit of a grammar nazi in general, but one that is always swiftly humbled by grammar nazi karma. Yesterday was no exception.

There is typically a point in every work day when I become an email cranking machine.

Often times this is my most useful and productive time of the day. It's like someone told me if I finish all of my emails by __ o'clock then I get to play with puppies all afternoon. Did you say play with puppies?? *Furious emailing commences. 
I love puppies.

I think my boss goes at this email speed all day, as I'm pretty sure he has to respond to 4,661,941 more emails than me every day.

Some of you non-furious email typers may not be aware that with this kind of emailing, accuracy rates can go way down. He usually sends us sales reps an email with a typo once or twice a week, and I love calling him out on it- every time. In fact, just yesterday I got to tease him for typing YFI instead of FYI. Maybe this is unwise of me... he is my boss after all.

As it turns out, the universe thinks that I need to be humbled.

In the midst of my email frenzy yesterday, I sent out several emails and then received a reply from my boss on one of them. It looked like this:

HA!  YOU ARE SO IN TROUBLE...

You can't be the grammar police anymore...at least not for a little while.  
My immediate reaction here was:
I looked at the email that he replied to, and I had sent it to more people that just him. It was also sent to a partner. And a potential client. My reaction was a little more like this now:
I scrolled down to re-read the email that I had just sent, crossing my fingers for a subtle error. This is what I read:

Hi Jon,

Josh I evaluating our software solution and will be needed a time and attendance system that will integrate with Quickbooks. Could you have someone reach out to him and with some information on your system?
Geez louise! Was I on some kind of medication yesterday? I must have reworded this message a couple of times and neglected to proofread, at all, before sending. I now felt more like this:
Hi my name is Shelly and I have not yet mastered the English language. I guess I just have to hope that they read that email about as closely as I did.

I shared this story with a couple of other coworkers, and I think they teared up from laughing so hard. One even doubled over and had to balance himself against the wall. Ah well, at least I can laugh at myself right? I'm certainly good at giving myself opportunities to.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dates to Costco

I recently made a trip to Costco to load up on supplies for a barbecue we hosted this last weekend. Oh goodness do I love that place. I finally caved and got a membership this year and I'm pretty sure it's been one of the best decisions ever. They have gelato there, giant scoops for $1.50. And they have a neon "Open" sign that I am incredibly tempted to buy EVERY time I go.

I came to the conclusion while I was there that this is a place that would facilitate amazing dates. My parents are uber romantic, and go on a near weekly "date" to Costco. I used to think this was lame, and then I didn't, because Costco is magical. How is this not the best place to build loving long term bonds. I mean, nothing says commitment like buying in bulk. I think of how much I would swoon every time my Costco counterpart picks something up for me.

Our love knows no bounds. 

I think the real secret behind why Costco is so popular is because guys simply have to flex their muscles if they are going to pick anything up for you. Even toilet paper. It's so big and bulky I'm sure it will make one muscle or another bulge a little bit. We're on to you Costco, but we're not complaining...

Not only is perusing up and down the aisles watching your date lift heavy items endless fun, but they give you FREE FOOD. I can't think of a single place that gives away free food that I don't love. I didn't think about it very hard, but I don't want to spoil the dream. Speaking of dreams, raise your hand if you have a day dream for your man (or woman) to feed you your sample at Costco. *Raises hand
My eyes are closed in bliss. That's what bliss looks like. 

You can be hand fed a near four-course meal before you've even hit the food court. And don't even get me started on the wonder of the food court. 

"Hey honey, I'm hungry."
"Okay! Let's go spend $3.00 and get you something to eat"
That is what someone looks like about thirty minutes before a food coma. 

What's that place who's catch phrase is "Come hungry, leave happy"? Because it should be Costco's. I should probably also mention that Costco didn't even pay me a dime to write this. I just love it that much. 

My final disclaimer is that I won't fall in love with anyone who takes me to Costco, so if I invite you to come with me don't be terrified. Just make sure you don't pick anything up for me. Or feed me samples. Then I think we'll be alright. Maybe. 



Thursday, August 4, 2011

Crazy Pig Woman

I used to work with this guy who had an interesting theory about how to scare people. Think of a time you tried to scare someone. Maybe you hid behind a door or in a closet and jumped out yelling something like "RAWR!!!" or "AHHH!!!". These are what I would call the "go-to scaring noises".

This particular coworker was convinced that when you really want to scare someone, you should snort instead. You know, like a really loud hungry pig. According to him, not only do you jump out and startle someone, but you throw them off with such an unexpected noise. He had demonstrated this on me a couple of times, hiding around corners and whatnot. He startled me several times, so I was willing to look for some merit in his theory.

One day we were loitering in the hallway at work that is near the bathrooms and we saw our supervisor walk by to go into the bathroom. We had the brilliant idea that we were going to wait around the corner scare the snot outta him, by snorting of course. It was going to be SO funny. We took our places around the corner to wait.

I was simply giddy with excitement, we were gonna get him so good! Unfortunately, while we were waiting, someone else walked into the bathroom and started talking to our supervisor.

So we waited...

And waited some more...

And then kept waiting...

We probably should have given up, but the anticipation was so high that there was no way we could turn back now! Finally the second guy in the bathroom let our supervisor leave. He came out and walked around the corner and got a terrifying attack of THIS:
We charged out snorting as loudly as we could, so sure we were going to scare the pants off him. 

However-

His reaction was not quite as funny as we may have hoped for:
This guy literally didn't even flinch. He simply looked at us like we were totally nuts. And let's be honest here, we did just come running at him snorting like pigs. I can see how that could make us appear to be a little odd.

Now, as badly as I would like to say that the snorting method just doesn't work, I think real problem was that this was not a perfect storm for scaring someone. When you are coming from talking to someone two seconds before, other noisy stimuli isn't nearly as startling. Even if it's snorting like a pig.
Note to self: Just because you have been waiting to scare someone for 20 minutes, doesn't mean that it will be worth the wait. You might just end up looking like a crazy pig woman.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Guys- These things creep me out

I took a poll today (I asked me, myself, and I) and the results were conclusive as to several things that males do that creep me out. If you are a guy, and you do these things, I will not want to date you. Neither will me or myself. Josie, Becky, or Tina probably won't either. You don't want that to happen right? I didn't think so.

Here are some of those things:

The Limp Handshake
This gives me the heebie jeebies. For some reason my mind has decided that a limp hand feels like it has been busy doing unpleasant or disgusting things. They also always seem cold, even if they're not.
Your hand feels like a dead fish. You are handing me a dead fish, and expecting me to shake it. Men and boys everywhere, this is a call to arms! Firm. Up. Your. Handshake. It will bless you in both the romantic and professional world. I promise you. (But also offer no money-back guarantees).


The Long and Intense Stare
Staring contests stopped being cool in sixth grade. They stopped being fun in third. Staring contests that only one person is participating in, especially when that person is an adult, are creepy. Feeling someone's eyes on me can be flattering, for about... 3.17 seconds. Then it starts to make me want to crawl out of my skin.
It doesn't make you look good. It does, however, make you look like you would make a lot of money as someone who plays a serial killer on TV. And who knows, maybe some girls are into that brooding, maybe-murderer-maybe-not look. I've always wondered what the thought process is behind this stare. Are you hoping if you stare long enough I will finally break down and come leaping into your arms?
Alright, alright. I'm so busted. That's what I've been longing to do, I just haven't found the courage yet. Please be patient O Creepy One!

The Elongated Sniff
There is a difference between commenting on how nice a girl smells, and the elongated sniff. I like to hear that I have a pleasant aroma, I don't like feeling like someone is trying to inhale my entire being. One time I was saying goodbye to a couple of friends and one of the guys gave me a hug, inhaled deeply through his nose, and then sighed as he told me "MMmMm, you smell gooood". Holy moly I wanted out of that hug so bad.

Resistance is futile, the schnoz is too powerful! I'd say a good rule of thumb here is to tell her she smells nice, but never let her hear you sniffing. You're not a drug dog after all.

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These are just a few solid starter suggestions for how to stop creeping girls out, more specifically, me. I hope to one day change the world, and when I do I will make sure to provide an address where monetary gratitude may be sent. You're welcome world!