Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Guys- These things creep me out

I took a poll today (I asked me, myself, and I) and the results were conclusive as to several things that males do that creep me out. If you are a guy, and you do these things, I will not want to date you. Neither will me or myself. Josie, Becky, or Tina probably won't either. You don't want that to happen right? I didn't think so.

Here are some of those things:

The Limp Handshake
This gives me the heebie jeebies. For some reason my mind has decided that a limp hand feels like it has been busy doing unpleasant or disgusting things. They also always seem cold, even if they're not.
Your hand feels like a dead fish. You are handing me a dead fish, and expecting me to shake it. Men and boys everywhere, this is a call to arms! Firm. Up. Your. Handshake. It will bless you in both the romantic and professional world. I promise you. (But also offer no money-back guarantees).

The Long and Intense Stare
Staring contests stopped being cool in sixth grade. They stopped being fun in third. Staring contests that only one person is participating in, especially when that person is an adult, are creepy. Feeling someone's eyes on me can be flattering, for about... 3.17 seconds. Then it starts to make me want to crawl out of my skin.
It doesn't make you look good. It does, however, make you look like you would make a lot of money as someone who plays a serial killer on TV. And who knows, maybe some girls are into that brooding, maybe-murderer-maybe-not look. I've always wondered what the thought process is behind this stare. Are you hoping if you stare long enough I will finally break down and come leaping into your arms?
Alright, alright. I'm so busted. That's what I've been longing to do, I just haven't found the courage yet. Please be patient O Creepy One!

The Elongated Sniff
There is a difference between commenting on how nice a girl smells, and the elongated sniff. I like to hear that I have a pleasant aroma, I don't like feeling like someone is trying to inhale my entire being. One time I was saying goodbye to a couple of friends and one of the guys gave me a hug, inhaled deeply through his nose, and then sighed as he told me "MMmMm, you smell gooood". Holy moly I wanted out of that hug so bad.

Resistance is futile, the schnoz is too powerful! I'd say a good rule of thumb here is to tell her she smells nice, but never let her hear you sniffing. You're not a drug dog after all.


These are just a few solid starter suggestions for how to stop creeping girls out, more specifically, me. I hope to one day change the world, and when I do I will make sure to provide an address where monetary gratitude may be sent. You're welcome world!