Friday, September 9, 2011

Provo throws off my game

I used to be pretty good at getting asked out when I put my mind to it. Getting asked out was like a game of chess (this is back in California where the dating culture is vaguely less..."special"), it was all about strategic placement. There used to be a couple of steps to getting asked out, and they went a little like this.

Step One: Acquire Target, Make Eye Contact

I would scan a room/activity/group of people for the tall attractive men, then pick the one that I wanted to ask me out. Next you make eye contact, make sure they realize you're looking at them, smile, look away.

BAM. Easy enough right?

Step Two: Strategic Placement

This one can be slightly more intimidating. Find a reason to be solo- walk to go get a drink, pretend like you're waiting for someone, look lost, whatever, but be alone. Place yourself within say 10-20 feet of said man. Wait for him to approach. Most guys can tell a green light when they see it, and will take the bait. This nice young man will saunter over, strike up conversation, and end up with your phone number by the end of it.

If you're in California.


Then there's what happens when you're in Provo.


Step One: Acquire Target, Make Eye Contact

This goes exactly like it does in California, see above.

Step Two: Attempt to Strategically Place Self
This one is a little different. You go, you "grab a drink of water", you stand there sipping it.
You keep sipping.
You notice that they are making eye contact again. Smile again.

Lather, rinse, and repeat.
A gallon of water later, they come talk to you.

They strike up a conversation about your water. It's awkward and choppy. They walk away again.

This goes on every time you see them for a month.

You punch them in the face and move back to California.