Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Dear Future Husband: Let's make a deal

I have decided that in order to have a happy marriage, it will be important for there be some contractual agreements in place with my spouse. I know that you've got all of the "in sickness and health" jargon that's already built into the marriage vows, but I'm talking specifics here. Some of these already exist, you know what I'm talking about, those basic ground rules like...

If you pass gas in the bed I get to whack you with the pillow.
Heavy lifting will always be rewarded with a hug and a kiss.
If I find your toenail clippings anywhere but the trash, you will find your head shaved in the morning.

These are the standard, run-of-the-mill stipulations. I'm pretty sure I've seen them in every pre-nup I've ever read. The addition that I would like to make is only slightly more obliging than these.

I will delight in making you delicious food, but you must do all the dishes afterwards.

Now, you may be thinking "That sure sounds reasonable, you have yourself a deal! I already wanted to marry you and you're telling me all I need to do are the dishes?". Okay, maybe you're not thinking the second part of that. Before you are too quick to assume the "small" task I am having Future Husband agree too, allow me to illustrate.

When I cook, it's go big or go home. I don't like to cook mediocre stuff. I love to make it fancy, or at least as gourmet as my piddly (this is fake humility) cooking skills can get me. This tends to mean that an excessive amount of bowls and spoons and pots and pans and baking sheets and cutting boards and other gadgets get used. My roommates can vouch for the fact that often times our kitchen looks a little like it exploded. Even though I love to cook, addressing that massacre of dishes afterwards crushes my soul a little bit. When I'm done cooking, the kitchen (and my crushed soul) consistently look like this:
It makes me want to curl up into a ball just looking at it. When you are doing something you love it should make you happier right? Now you see where I'm going with this. There will be two things, well, three things that happen when this contract takes effect.

Number One: You get to eat delicious food, as stated in aforementioned contract. (I have references, glowing ones)

Number Two: I will be happy as a songbird. And as you know, songbirds are 87% happier than all other bird species. And as my boss's favorite mantra goes... "happy wife, happy life". Try and tell me I don't look happy:

Number Three: I will think you are the greatest thing since Google docs, which I believe to be almost as magical as unicorns. I will now utilize a graphical representation of the dishes-love relationship.
You may have noticed that the amount of love for someone washing my dishes has the potential to exceed that of Google docs. If you need to take a minute to process I understand.

So there you have it! One simple signature and two lives get exponentially better.

Another side note I'd like to make mention of- In the midst of writing this post, I was told by someone that the cupcake of mine he ate the other day was the best he'd ever had, in case you have yet to be sufficiently convinced. *wink wink, nudge nudge.