Tuesday, December 13, 2011

When I like a guy

Long story short, when I like a guy, I turn into the opposite of cool.

It's not like I have some huge bank of 'cool' to pull from in the first place, so it's really a dangerous thing when I can't access that limited vat of coolness. Let's say that you are having a conversation with AGuyILike. You are talking to him and say "Hey, remember that time Shelly said/did that funny/clever/awesome/cute thing?". No, no he doesn't. Because these are the kinds of conversations I manage to have when I like a guy:

-I really like pickles, hey let me tell you a bunch of stuff about how I like pickles.

-Did I ever tell you about the time I projectile vomited? The color was really funky...

-Gosh the beige color on these walls is just really nice, don't you think it's so nice? I think it's really nice, so beige-y, a really nice hue of beige. 

-Oh! You're studying geography? I love maps, and places... and the way places are arranged on maps.

-So I was at the grocery store the other day and I bought some milk. ... ... ... The end.

-One time I got this rash, it was so itchy, all over my arms and my face. The doctors say it's probably not contagious anymore... *touch his arm

 Wow. Just walk away...

I want to stop talking, I really do, but it's like watching a train wreck happen. There is no stopping the waterfall of awkward that falls from my mouth.

Have you heard the term "facepalm" before? Because every time I walk away from one of these moments that is what I do to myself.

I have decided that my awkward nervousness lends itself to four types of conversations:

TMI: Toooooo much information. No one needs that much detail, on anything, especially not the stomach virus you contracted in your travels to somewhere twenty minutes away.

Wildly uncomfortable: "Heh heh... sooo... ahem... yeah... so have you- oh sorry, you first, no it's okay, no really go ahead. ...oops, too late, I forgot." You can't seem to say anything without stepping on each others toes. There are things like nervous laughter, sweaty palms, and weird gestures involved (i.e. "the wink and the gun").

Nonsensical: "You've never been to the place where the walls are kind of a greenish yellowy gray with the tables and the rooster on the door and people smiling?" When you repeat what you just said in your mind and even you can't understand it, it's not a good sign. If you find that you are getting a lot of confused looks, head tilts, and "huh?"s, then you're probably using this communicative tactic.

Excessive sarcasm: "Hahaha you're so stupid, just kidding, but no really it's like I've never met anyone so dumb, hahaha, geeeez I'm just joking, don't be such a girl!". When you're ready to hit yourself in the face for being such a jerk, you are most definitely using this conversational style. I don't think any of the other three compare to this one when it comes to wishing you could stuff the words back in your mouth. Oh the regret and shame!

Below is a graphical representation of the impact of utilizing these techniques:

Dear GuyILike: If you weren't so handsome and charming I wouldn't be such bumbling fool around you. I promise you would think I am awesome, and rad, and would most definitely want to date me. But alas, I just told you about the blanket I carried around until I was eleven. *facepalm

**Disclaimer: I don't actually have any of these weird health ailments or blanket carrying habits, but equally embarrassing things have certainly been said.


  1. Shelly! These are so funny. I love to hear these stories, but I have such a hard time believing them because you are so awesome!

  2. Hahahaha!!! I have witnessed these... a real thing of beauty.

  3. You are seriously one of the funniest people I know!!.....you MUST have gotten that from your Dad! He cracked us up all weekend! :)

  4. @Nancy Thank you! Guess what? There is a girl in my ward who's sister is good friend with you and Amanda. And I found out on the day I was wearing the scarf that you and Danielle gave me. Small world eh? I miss you girls!

    @Aunt Judy- I think he got his funny from ME! ;)

  5. You make yourself sound like such a "geeky-socially-awkward-girl" but you are NOT like that...but I guess I'm always NOT a guy you like...hahahahahah

  6. Hahahaha no Amiee, you certainly have never been a guy I like. I literally did "the wink and the gun" to someone just a few days ago. All I could think is "Really? Really self? Why did you do that!?".