Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Flatulence

Oh the horror!

Turns out, when you live with two lovely and well mannered girls, you forget what it's like to come home to a house full of boys. Do you know what it's like to not feel safe to breathe for an entire week? I do. Merry Christmas to meeee. Between three brothers and three dogs, I found myself gasping for air more frequently than someone drowning in a pool. (I feel like I should clarify for the record, I don't think my brother Michael ever contributed, he is the dignified brother.)

One minute I would be sitting on the couch, minding my own business and the next thing you know...
...You're surrounded in an inescapable cloud of disgusting!

Maybe it's undignified of me to take the time to write a post with corresponding illustrations on this matter, but sometimes a girl's gotta voice her frustrations.

I won't let my brothers take all of the blame, apparently the leftovers from holiday dinners are recipes for gassy disasters with our dogs. Several times during the week I was home, one of them would walk into a room, lay down, get comfortable, then let out a long bbbbrrrrrrppppppp. The dog then keeps sleeping, while the humans completely freak out.

I shared this experience with a few friends, some male, some female. Turns out that guys think it's funny, and girls think it's gross. It was at this point that I became highly concerned about whether or not that line exists within marriage. At what point will a husband be comfortable enough to rip one and just laugh, or even worse, pull the covers over your head and covered-wagon you? (This was a true story told by a friend of mine once.) I know that a married couple should be totally comfortable and trusting around each other, but I don't think that I can trust a ticking time bomb, if ya feel me. And what about going to the bathroom? I'm sorry that this post is getting so gross, but are these the things that no one talks about? I rent the master bedroom in our place and the bathroom is connected to the room. Based on growing up with my brothers...that would be a really, really terrible idea. Or maybe there should just be two bathrooms- one for convenience and one that is zoned for chemical warfare. It'll look a little like this:
I bet millions of wives out there are drooling over this brilliant idea. Who wouldn't want this layout? Well, what woman wouldn't want this layout? Every house should have a quarantined room for anything disgusting to happen in, and I'm sure that it would make the world a better place. 

I'm going to start a savings account so that one day, this dream will be a reality. I will also accept donations.

...come to think of it, maybe it's cheaper just to buy a book of matches.

4 comments:

  1. Our master bath has a separate "toilet closet." With it's own fan. Just sayin'
    And yes, he will be comfortable enough around you to think it's funny.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Among the disgusting things for your Toxic Waste Room don't forget to put hair coloring. My tolerance is about three seconds for that crap. far worse than elimination odors...except for that stuff you take Imodium AD for!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Shelly, I cant stop laughing right now!

    ReplyDelete