Saturday, January 7, 2012

Guys- Dating no-no's

I know this may surprise you, but I have had a lot of conversations, with a lot of ladies, about dating. I have also had my fair share of first hand experience- and would like to share some basic no-no's that might be valuable to some of you single and frustrated guys out there. I know that these are not going to be universal truths, but I will make a not-so-bold assumption and say that these rules would apply for 70% of women. (We also know that I like to make up statistics so who knows how much you can really trust me?)

My advice is to assume that you can trust me and follow these rules like your someday-marital-bliss depends on it.

Rule #1: Avoid voicing your desire for marriage and/or children on a first date

We know, we know. We've gone to church, we've heard the talks and lessons about marriage and family. We know that in all likelihood, it's something you want, that's probably why you're spending money on us right now. And that's great! We want it too, probably, so let's just go ahead and operate under the assumption that both of us want that, eventually, and we don't need to discuss it quite yet. 

 Rule #2: Don't make yourself so comfortable that Miss Manners would slap you if she saw what you were doing

I guess we should feel flattered that we make you feel SO comfortable it's like you're just "hangin' with the boys".
You are not hanging with the boys, you should be trying to impress me right? Cause I'm sure as heck trying to impress you. Do you see how nice my hair looks? I don't roll outta bed looking like this. (Just kidding, I'm totally lying, I look like this allllll the time).

I don't want to see your food once it's in your mouth, you shouldn't look like you belong in my dad's recliner,  and I certainly don't want to hear or smell any of your bodily emissions. You know how when you go to a job interview you try to do things like sit up strait? Well, like your interviewer, we want to feel like you think making a good impression on us matters, and that does not happen via posture that proves how incredibly 'chill' you are. 

Rule #3: Please, for the love of Aquafresh, don't have stank breath

I don't think there is anything that is a more immediate turnoff than horrid breath. I'm going to let you in on a little secret- chewing gum doesn't give you good breath, it just throws a minty tinge on stink parade. You need to brush your teeth. Regularly, and most definitely right before a date. We are going to be having conversation, and at some points in fairly close proximity, and I'd much rather not pass out. 
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This message is intended for mature single male audiences: If you are currently suffering from a lack of second dates, I would encourage you to look deep within yourself and evaluate whether or not you are suffering from any of these poor habits. If you are, stop immediately. If you can't, let me know, and I will gladly implement a negative reinforcement program until these things have ceased and desisted. If you are not doing these things, but still aren't getting second dates, email me (because now I have a google apps account and feel super legit and want to feel more legit by actually receiving emails) and we'll discuss. 


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